Content Warning: violence, abuse
Last month, I watched Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story. The series somehow became a part of our night routine for me and my roommate: we would change into our pajamas, light a candle, wrap ourselves in a cozy blanket, and turn on yet another episode about the infamous serial killer. And looking back now, it makes a lot of sense why I had trouble falling asleep for a while during this time.
If you are not familiar with Dahmer – Monster, the show is based on the true story of Jeffrey Dahmer, a man who committed a series of heinous murders in the Midwest. Between 1978 and 1991, he killed and dismembered 17 men and boys, 15 of whom were Black, Indigenous, Asian, or Latino. In 2022, Netflix released a 10-episode drama series about Dahmer and his murders.
The first episode depicts the interaction between Tracy Edwards (played by Shaun Brown) and Jeffrey Dahmer (played by Evan Peters), capturing the moments that lead to Dahmer’s eventual arrest. In the episode, Dahmer meets Edwards at a local gay bar in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and invites him to his apartment on the premise that he would pay Edwards to pose for nude pictures.
Upon entering the apartment, Edwards is given a drink spiked with drugs. Edwards starts to feel uncomfortable in the apartment (given the nasty smell, the suspicious-looking drink, and the weird vibes), and tries to leave, but Dahmer prevents him. When Edwards is distracted, Dahmer handcuffs him on one wrist and pulls out a big knife, threatening to kill Edwards unless he does as he is told. Soon, they are side by side on his blood-stained bed, and we see a tear rolling down Edwards’ cheek as he realizes his life is in grave danger. Then all of a sudden, Edwards moves his hand and places it on top of Dahmer’s. He then begins to kiss Dahmer’s neck and whisper into his ear. Edwards later moves into the living room, where he begins to strip his clothes and dance in a seductive manner. He begins to pose for Dahmer, stalling time to make his escape plan.
I don’t even want to imagine what Tracy Edwards was feeling in that situation, especially because this isn’t just a piece of fiction meant for entertainment – this actually happened. Even though this episode portrays a fictionalized account of the event, Jeffrey Dahmer really existed, the real Tracy Edwards endured the pain and trauma of assault and this near-murder experience, and there are 17 victims who were tragically, brutally killed. Edwards was the only one who managed to escape and report Dahmer to the police, leading to his arrest.
The show indeed received backlash for discounting this reality of Dahmer’s crimes. Kidiocus King-Carroll writes in an article for The Washington Post titled “Racism and homophobia enabled Jeffrey Dahmer’s crimes”: “[The show] emphasizes spectacle and gore, while undermining or even diminishing the lived experiences of Dahmer’s victims. Typical depictions of his killing frenzy fail to note how LGBTQ communities of color were easy prey for Dahmer — and for many others, not just serial killers — because of deep-seated histories of police violence and indifference in urban centers throughout the Midwest and the Rust Belt. Without this element, the story is incomplete and sacrifices a chance to reckon with a major societal problem.”
In this article, I want to shed light on Tracy Edwards’ survival instincts as portrayed in the first episode. It was a behavior that emerged almost instinctively as soon as he sensed danger: please the other person. Like me so that I can live. That was the message I got as a viewer while watching Edwards take off his clothes, dance, and pose for a man holding a knife at him, holding his life at stake.
I felt horrified for Edwards. But I also felt something else, or rather, I saw something else: a behavior that I witnessed in myself. People-pleasing. Obviously, I cannot dare to compare any level of people-pleasing that I’ve done to what Edwards had to do to save his life. But the way in which Edwards acted, in that episode particularly, was striking to me in that it was almost inherent to him: I need to please the other person so that I can get out of here alive.
Pleasing others is in our DNA. It’s how we have survived as social animals, and continue to; anxious responses helped our ancestors run away from wild animals and motivate us today to perform well and solve problems. But when do they become unhealthy? What happens when anxiety is not adequately addressed and how does it impact one’s life in the long-term? Research indicates that chronic anxiety can have detrimental effects on one’s mental and physical health; anxiety has been associated with chronic inflammation, which makes one prone to cardiovascular disease, cancer, and dementia. Unaddressed anxiety can also cause other mental health problems, such as depression and substance abuse.
In Edwards’ case, his anxious response did in fact serve him in the moment; he was able to run away from the dangerous situation and ultimately save his life. But what about after Dahmer? According to ABC News, after the publicity from the Dahmer trials, Edwards was extradited to Mississippi, where he had existing sexual battery charges. In the following years, Edwards cycled through homeless shelters and was charged for theft, drug possession, property damage, and failure to pay child support. In 2011, almost twenty years after Dahmer’s arrest, Edwards pled guilty to homicide. His former defense attorney Paul Ksicinski stated, “It’s like Humpty Dumpty. It’s like he was never able to put the pieces back together again.” After the incident, Edwards was in dire need of resources that were not provided to him; he ran away from the murderer because his life mattered, but clearly those in positions of power (i.e. the government, the police) did not see it that way.
Maybe it’s because I struggle with social anxiety, but Edwards’ behavior stood out to me. Social anxiety disorder has dictated decades of my life growing up and I’ve been told: “the world does not revolve around you” or “stop caring about what others think.” I understand where this is coming from, and that it’s from a place of encouragement and the desire to help.
But how can I stop caring? It’s in my DNA. I need to be liked in order to survive. What I needed to hear back then and continue to affirm today, is that I matter too. Yeah, I care about what you think, but what about what I think? What do I think about this topic, about that issue, about myself? Do I like me? My people-pleasing has served me in many ways, kept me afloat (albeit barely) throughout my shit-show years of puberty and adolescence – and even today, though now I try to be more aware of when those patterns turn sour. I couldn’t, and still sometimes today cannot, say no. Because what if I come off as rude? Even if I had conflicting feelings about agreeing to something, I agreed. Being agreeable made me feel invisible and invisible meant safe to me, at least under the conditional bases of my own love and regard for myself.
When I first got to the United States for college, it got worse. I think that race and likability exist on an intersection – as much as we endorse the progressive narrative that society is becoming more inclusive and diverse, we cannot ignore the fact that minorities in the United States still live with a heightened sense of self-consciousness around our own racial identity and the way we present ourselves and behave in public, especially because the way we come across can jeopardize our safety.
In Minor Feelings, Cathy Park Hong writes, “I’ve been raised and educated to please white people and this desire to please has become ingrained into my consciousness … I didn’t know how to escape it.”
Hong is not alone in this matter. In a 2018 Breakfast Club radio interview, when Donald Glover states regarding white privilege, “People are not going to like me talking about what I talk about,” one of the radio hosts says, “Who cares?” to which Glover replies, “At the end of the day, Malcolm X, Martin [Luther King Jr.], they died. People killed them. It is dangerous.” There is an evident link between safety and people-pleasing; it’s not just in our heads. People-pleasing is a survival instinct and a means of self-preservation in the face of danger, real or imagined.
As a socially anxious people-pleaser, one of the ways that I cope is by not telling myself that this is dumb, that I should just stop caring about what others think, that I’m blowing this out of proportion. Because it’s valid. F*ck the rhetoric of “this doesn’t matter” or “it’s all in your head”. I would never tell Edwards while Dahmer was pointing a knife at him: “Just calm down!” Because it doesn’t work that way – unless you don’t care about your own life.
We must find ways to validate our anxieties, regardless of whether we are people-pleasers, minorities, socially anxious, all of the above, some or none of the above. It all counts. Whether that means practicing saying, “I need some time to think about that,” before giving an answer to something, whether it means registering for therapy (if you are a Bi-Co student, please check out HealthiestYou if you are interested), whether it means allowing yourself to leave early or not show up at all and not beat yourself up about it.
Just please don’t tell me to stop caring about what others think.
References:
Curry, C. (2011, November 1). Jeffrey Dahmer Hero Charged With Homicide. ABC News. Retrieved from https://abcnews.go.com/US/jeffrey-dahmer-hero-tracy-edwards-charged-homicide/story?id=14853608
Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story on Netflix
Donald Glover interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28sTZge1Lyo
Hong, C. P. (2021). In Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning (pp. 40–41). One World.
King-Carroll, K. (2022, October 10). Perspective | racism and homophobia enabled Jeffrey Dahmer’s crimes. The Washington Post. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/made-by-history/2022/10/11/racism-homophobia-enabled-jeffrey-dahmers-crimes/
Medanta Medical Team. (n.d.). The dark side of anxiety: 7 effects of anxiety on the body. Retrieved from https://www.medanta.org/patient-education-blog/the-dark-side-of-anxiety-7-effects-of-anxiety-on-the-body/
this is a thoughtful and fascinating dive into the psychology around people pleasing, i loved dahmer although very flawed but would never thought of this relevant and important connection to social anxiety. it makes me feel heard. thank you for sharing caroline!
No because you’re so right. Especially in the past few years with the rise of hate crimes against Asian Americans you feel like you have to be even more agreeable, more submissive out of fear of retaliation. Anxiety really is a survival mechanism, we just have to learn to manage it somehow. I always love reading your articles, they always remind me that I’m not the only one going through these struggles, that my issues are valid, that I’m valid. You’ll always have my support, and I’m always wishing you the best.